Dear United States of America:
It has been a year since our last letter. Now, at the dawn of 2006, we feel the need to address You once more. We still salute You, America. Your greatness knows no bounds. Your place as the richest and most powerful nation in the known universe is still unchallenged. The number one slot in the race for world domination is still held in Your firm grasp and we, the rest of the world, can only look upon You in monumental awe.
When it comes to the Greenhouse effect and consumption of energy You are still number one. A fifth of the world’s emissions of Carbon Dioxide comes from Your powerful chimney stacks and exhaust pipes. A full quarter of the planet’s entire output of energy goes directly to appliances and industries in Your magnificent nation. Of all the barrels of oil produced in both hemispheres You consume 25 percent. These numbers are truly extraordinary, especially when considering how the people of Your awesome nation constitute a mere five percent of the world’s population. Feel proud, America!
Your dedication to World Peace is the true pinnacle of Your monumentous achievement. A year on since our last letter You are still making great sacrifices on the altar of Democracy and Freedom. Do not let minor hiccups stear you away from that most prized of our goals. Feel free to use any methods You deem necessary to reach everlasting Peace. Fire and brimstone are at Your disposal. On a grand scale, may it rain upon evil nations and set their children ablaze. On a small scale, may it loosen the tounges of Your caged enemies so that they reveal their evil plots however true they may be. Your enemies may accuse You of redefining words and not holding Yourself up to the same standards as You do onto others. Do not listen to such nonsensical talk. The means are justified by the very essence of the goal – Democracy and Freedom for all, especially for You.
Now, when the Civil War of Christmas appears to be over, and the winner is declared to be our Saviour, You can return to Your daily chores of bringing Christ to the rest of the world. This is an important task, of which You are probably well aware, and it will not be completed until every soul on this fragile planet recognize Jesus Christ as our only Saviour. Those who cannot tolerate God as the only true deity must stand before Satan. Even those of Your enemies who worship the same god as You, but reveal no understanding of Jesus as His son, must be paddocked through the gates of Hell. Men who lie with men are still not recognized as equal and God approves. They shall never be able to sign the same kind of papers as men who lie with women are able to sign. Just raising the question about how Cain and Abel procreated must be deemed blasphemy. Furthermore, Your eternal God does not approve of medical doctors who ends the lives of unborn children. This barbaric practice shall be met with the only effective measure available: the capital punishment, or a blessed pipebomb. The only true and forgiving God is Yours and You shall find yourselves in the green pastures of Heaven.
The year of 2006, the dawn of which is upon us, shall belong to You, America. Do not be discouraged by setbacks and critizism. The persons setting You back or critizising You shall stand before Lucifer in terror. May God bless America.
the rest of the world