Dear United States of America:
At the dawn of 2005 we salute you, America; your greatness, your position as the richest and most powerful nation on the planet. We have seen you victimizing yourselves, downgrading your part in this world, succumbing to trembling fear. It is time to look forward, to see to a brighter day. You see, you continue to change the course of all our destinies. All eyes are still upon you to lead this fragile planet. And you know what? You are still the number one nation in the world. Here are some reasons why:
You are the number one consumer of oil in the world. In 2003 you consumed 20.071.000 barrels of oil which is 25.1 % of the world’s total (more than a quarter). You consumed more than three times as much as China and India together (that’s 2.5 billion people!), and you consumed more than seven times as much oil as the entire continent of Africa. You are also the number one consumer of coal (22.3 %), natural gas (24.3 %), and nuclear energy (30.4 %). Feel proud America! You still devour more oil, coal, natural gas, and nuclear energy per person than any other country in the world. You could, however, improve your consumption of hydroelectricity (where both Canada and Brazil beat You), and why not solar energy, which is still not used in many parts of the world. But like we said: It is time to look to new challenges.
You are the number one emitter of polluting gasses in the world, and you belong a very exclusive club by not ratifying the Kyoto Protocol, along with Monaco, Lichtenstein, and Switzerland. You emit more than 20 % of the world’s Carbon Dioxide. You emit more than 15 % of the world’s Sulfur Dioxide. You emit almost 20 % of the world’s Nitrogen Oxide. You emit more than 10 % of the world’s Carbon Monoxide. That is no easy feature. It is partly due to your SUV:s, of which you have the most per capita than any other country in the world. Why use your bicycle to go buy a gallon of milk, when you can use a vehicle built to pull four tonnes!? If you feel like you have reached the pinnacle of vehicle evolution, we think it is time to look to caterpillars and 18 wheeler rigs. That is a challenging area still unexplored for everyday use.
You are of a generous nature, America, which we certainly noticed after the earthquake in Southeast Asia. We are glad you at first were able to find $ 35 million in your deep pockets to help some of the poorest nations in the world. The same generosity you showed your own president, whose upcoming inauguration will cost more than $ 40 million. You certainly choose wisely when deciding where to spend your tax dollars and we celebrate you for it. Now that you have upgraded the help to Southeast Asia we expect you to throw your president an even bigger party.
You are dedicated to world peace, the most prized of our common goals. The fact that you are not afraid to slay innocent people around the world, and even your own children, can not be seen as anything other than a great sacrifice on the altar of peace and prosperity. When there are so many people suffering in the world, whether it be under a cruel dictator or under a democratically elected government, there is nothing like bringing a war upon them to bring them in line with your benign and enlightened will.
You are a humble nation of people devoted to God, which is much needed in this godless world. To call upon our supreme deity whenever ending a public speech is a trait politicians all over the world envy and it surely could not offend anyone, even within your borders. The recent fight against people not wanting to celebrate the birth of Jesus, our saviour, also proves that the work of the Crusades is not yet completed. The pro-life activists is another example of godly people willing to slay people in order to prevent the horrendous act of killing innocent unborn babies. The mothers truly should have no say in that. It should not matter if the father of the child is also the father of the mother. Also, keep up the good work of streamlining your entire legal system into the stone tablets received by the great Moses on Mount Sinai. There are too many laws protecting sinners like promiscious teenagers and homosexuals. In that respect we are glad that you are following the footsteps of Ayatollah Khomeini, the Saud family, and the Taleban. They surely must be your rolemodels into transforming the United States of America into an awesome religious nation under God. However, we also agree that some secular laws should be kept in order to protect the almighty multinational companies which rake in profits for your great nation. The environment and worker’s rights, especially in other parts of the world, are the real threats against your formidable industry.
Keep on the good work of inspiring people and nations all over the world. Countries like Iran and North Korea will soon be true superpowers with your help. Particularily a nation like Iraq has benefitted from cooperation with your mighty military. Soon they will shower you with riches, of the black oily kind, and you will stay in the spotlight of the eternal sunshine of the world.
May God bless America. Always.
the rest of the world
PS. You must consider changing the constitution so the sitting president can stay in power forever. Never has there been so much good will in the world towards the United States of America as there is now. He surely must do something right. DS.